Future Days and Ex-Days

A frequent thought of mine: there are days that currently have no significance that one day will have significance.

Confused? Okay, that wasn't the best explanation. I'll try again...

Any random Tuesday (though it doesn't have to be a Tuesday, I'm just making a point) could in 5 or 10 years be your best friend's birthday, a national holiday, or your anniversary. Today, it's just a Tuesday, but at some point in the future it will become an important day. Not that there's any way to peg these days (without a future-seeing third eye, or a crystal ball (and the nutbag who comes with it)), but it's an interesting idea. At least to me.

Last night, for the first time, I considered the reverse side to this coin. Days that used to have a certain significance that has changed over time. These days aren't completely equal and opposite to the kind mentioned above. Once a day has meaning, you can't completely erase it if it relates to something that was very close to you. The birthday of a loved one who has died, or the anniversary of a now-divorced couple.

Today is my grandma's birthday. I remembered this last night while brushing my teeth.
This morning, my mom mentioned in passing, "My mom would have been 84 today." So is today my grandma's ex-birthday? I certainly wouldn't say 'happy birthday!' in response to my mom's comment. Then again the birthday of a loved one doesn't become any old day after death. Maybe a birthday shifts to a remembrance day.

So relatives remember loved ones on their ex-birthdays, divorcees reflect on marriages gone by on their ex-anniversaries. Any everyone else goes about their day, none the wiser.

Future Days and Ex-Days. A thought in progress.

My Year in Photos & Staving off Sickness

2010~ what a year. As of this evening, I officially survived another season of holiday parties and shmoosing with adults. When talking to a 22-year-old college senior, adults only seem to care about two questions:

1. Do you have a job?
2. Do you have a boyfriend?

There are three ways I can deal with these questions.

1. Answer the questions. "No, and...no" (of course, there's a longer, more complicated answer for question two, but seeing as I don't know these people very well and I'm not fond of disclosing self-incriminating details to casual acquaintances, just saying no is easier).

2. Pretend there is something far more interesting/distracting on the other side of the room that prevented me from hearing the question, and that I must go investigate right away.

3. Stuff my face with so much food that answering questions would be futile and somewhat gross.

But enough about that. It's over, and I am glad. In fact, this year is pretty much over, and I am glad.

For the remainder of this post, I'm going to sum up my year in travels. I didn't travel as much this year as I did the previous two, but I did get A LOT of experience traveling alone and last-minute. Traveling is my favorite thing in the world. It is quite literally my escape. When I don't travel enough, I get 'away sick' (like home sick but reverse).

January: Started the year off in Seattle. It was cold, but a crisp cold that can be remedied by wearing layers and drinking coffee. And Seattle is near Vancouver, the love-city of my life.
Then, a LONG travel break. Focusing on school. Very away sick.

but then....

June: Hawaii. Booked the flight 5 days before the trip. Humid, but not too hot, and gorgeous.

September: Booked a flight 6 days in advance. Spent the summer working 40 hours a week and needed a break. Been to this city many times, but never in September. Lovely Weather.
(See question 2 above....)

October: Rang in my 22nd in New Mexico. Hot air balloons aplenty. Fun and delicious (and paid for by my parents), but also reminded me why I like traveling alone sometimes.
Also October: Booked the flight 5 days in advance. A little colder than last time, but still quite lovely. (Again, refer to question 2)

November: Booked flight 3 days in advance (new record!). World series win=street riots. Exciting night.

December: No traveling, but too exhausted to be away sick. Making up for all the class I missed in October/November...

Now I'm done with the fall semester and home recovering/gearing up for the new year. Spending my free hours reading and doing all the fun things I don't have time for when I'm in school (long browsy trips to Cost Plus World Market!!!) Back to school a week from Monday, so not much time to get bored.

My 2011 travels commence January 8th (flying to New Orleans with a free first class ticket. Yay for parents with almost-expired miles). Kind of ironic that I'm flying first class to volunteer at a shelter and rebuild hurricane Katrina homes, but I swear, I only did it because there weren't any free coach seats available. My fingers are crossed for a Europe trip in early summer (my parents are willing to pay for it because a) I don't want a graduation party, b) I got straight A's this semester [with three 400-level accounting classes--not too shabby], and c) I suspect they feel bad for me--but hey, I'll take it)

Cheers to 2010. For better or for worse, you are now over and old news.
Cheers to the year to come. A blank slate sounds refreshing.
Isn't it crazy how much things can change in a year? Who knows what life will be like 365 days from today.

Adios amigos.

Cwissmas

I'm listening to Bob Dylan, which can only mean one thing: new blog entry coming soon.
Probably tonight, when normal people are asleep.

Mewwy Cwissmas

Love,
Bored Jew

So I guess Hanukkah ended. I have no idea what day it is.

It's 3 am and I'm doing tax multiple choice questions.

What a weird week

Guess what today is?

Disclaimer: I don't actually know this dog. I googled Hanukkah, and this is what showed up.

The Resilience Curve

I know I've been awfully philosophical lately, but I write what I think about, and this is what's on my mind.

Here is a shoddily constructed graph (don't have access to my normal graph-making program so I found some random website with a drawing pad), showing the relationship between Resilience and Adversity.
Basically, we develop resilience by facing and overcoming adversity. In the nature vs. nurture debate, I generally believe that each plays a 50-50 part. However, concerning resilience, I think nurture is the key player, and nature assists. That is not to say that nature isn't a factor, but certain people lack resilience simply because they don't ever face circumstances that require them to need it.

Now, to explain the graph:

• Point Na (Nature)- the Resilience curve doesn't start all the way at zero. The distance between the axis and this point, Na, takes into account that we are all born with some level of resilience whether we need to use it or not. However, without having had any adversity to overcome, we are still in a state of naiveté.
  

• As we live our lives, we face various setbacks. There are some dips in the curve, but overall we are able to move past them and increase our level of resilience. Over time, the curve will level out, same for some minor vacillations. This pattern can repeat indefinitely, but varies from person to person.

OPTIONAL:

• Point TP (The Tipping Point)- for some, this is the major setback or series of setbacks that finally knocks them over the edge. When one has faced so much adversity that their level of resilience dwindles and they begin to lose hope. At this point, one must either find a new source of resilience, or hit RB.
  

• Point RB (Rock Bottom)- Hopefully most of you never end up here; this is the lowest of the low. I haven't put much thought into what rock bottom actually is (how do you know when you're there...and are you even alive at this point??). I guess it's another one of those subjective, figure-it-out-in-hindsight ideas.

If you find yourself approaching TP or RB, take a minute to reassess what brought you to that point, and if things are really that bad. You'll probably find that:
(a) what you are mistaking for TP or RB is just a minor case of burnout or a dip in your
resilience curve.
(b) things can always get worse, so stop your whining.

Gratitude

The theme of my leadership class this morning was gratitude in honor of Thanksgiving. Besides going around the room and sharing what we were thankful for (a fairly typical Thanksgivingy activity) one activity was particularly noteworthy.

The majority of the class was instructed to lie on the ground with their eyes closed, and a few class members stood over them. The facilitators read off questions, and the standers would walk around and tap all the people on the ground to whom it applied. (who is intelligent, who is a leader, who makes their parents proud...etc.). Then another group would stand and tap, until everyone had a chance.

For most of the questions, I didn't think people would tap me. But they did. A lot.


So besides the family/health/happiness that most people are thankful for, I'm thankful for others, and their ability to see the good qualities that I sometimes fail to see in myself.

Pill Pushing

My dad gave me some pills to take. I just took one, then, out of curiosity, googled the name to see what it was/side effects, etc.

What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? Not worth it. I'm throwing them out.

Theory of Nouns

I woke up an hour too early this morning, and I could tell right away that I wasn't going to fall back asleep. I told myself to just lay in bed until it was time to get up, but the combo of silence, my thoughts, and hunger finally got me up. So now I'm sitting in kitchen, basking in the partially-cloudy morning light and listening to Arcade Fire via NPR. Better.

Today's topic: my Theory of Nouns. I thought of it sometime within the last year. It's an attempt to explain how people plan out their futures. In case you need a refresher, here's dictionary.com's official definition of the word noun (though if you've graduated elementary school and don't know this, I'm a little worried about you)

noun (naʊn)
a. a word or group of words that refers to a person, place, or thing or any syntactically similar word

So back to the theory--I think everyone organizes their life around one of the characteristics of nouns [person, place, or thing for the sake of simplicity]

1. Person--'person' people organize their lives around whomever they want to be with. They will move anywhere, take any job; whatever it takes to end up with the person.

2. Place--These people choose a particular city or region where they'd like to end up. They don't care what they do or who they are with, as long as they are in their chosen destination.

3. Thing--Organize their futures around whatever job or activity they want to do. Career people.

One downside to this theory is that in pursuit of achieving your primary noun preference, you may be ignoring the other two. This error tends to reveal itself in hindsight.

Hope that was enlightening.
Happy Wednesday.

New Beginning

Recruitment is done. I spent a few weeks flying all over tarnation, missing classes, falling behind on school work--I justified it by telling myself that my grades wouldn't matter once I had a job--only to find myself on the other end in exactly the same state I began; without a job. So now I am scrambling to catch up on all the work I missed AND having to apply for more jobs.

Of course, the day the news hit I was kind of a wreck. I like to plan things, and for the first time in about two years, I found myself with absolutely no plan. I pat myself on the back for getting out of bed and being a functioning human being, considering how I felt.

Upon receiving my rejections, my first inclination was to go to grad school, get a Masters in Accounting, and apply to the firms again. However, apps are due soon, I haven't studied for/taken the GMAT (SO much more work), and who says I'm not going to waste $50,000 and an extra year getting the degree only to get rejected a THIRD time? Not smart.

I need to get past this won't-give-up-until-I-succeed thing. I am at the point where the universe clearly does not want me working at a firm, so I need to focus my energy on finding a place that DOES want me. I can run myself into the ground trying to achieve the goal, or I can focus my energy elsewhere and probably end up happier in the end (continual rejection isn't great for one's self-esteem).

I spent the evening scouring job posts, looking for anything and everything that I could apply for. Most employers are looking for someone who can work now, not next May when they graduate (or September, if I give myself the summer off). So I guess my current plan is to not have a plan and wait it out. Not my style, but if it were up to me I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

Otherwise I've been strangely calm about the whole thing. I tend to be really hard on myself when things like this happen, but I tried, didn't I? A for effort, F for results. One day my hard work will pay off---that's what I keep telling myself.

On an unrelated note, I've also been thinking a lot about my philosophy of life. I've already decided that things aren't necessarily fair or equal or just. Babies die, pedophiles win the lottery. It's still a work in progress, but here's three pillars of thought:

1. Everything happens for a reason. This one is too passive for me. The idea that everything is already determined from day one makes me feel like I have no say or control in anything.
2. Solitaire- all the cards are somewhere in the deck, but you don't know when or where they'll appear. Once they do, you must decide where to put them. This one is okay, but still, I question if all things are predetermined (ie. the deck). What about those random events that come out of nowhere?
3. Checkers- Life is a series of actions and reactions. You have no idea where the other player is going to move his chips, but once he does, you can make your move accordingly. Though the most chaotic of the three, I think this is closest to how I feel. Free will is king. I am in charge of my own destiny and have the ability to change my own life.

Have I mention that I am a damn good checkers player?
Adios for now

I am going to make a new post later today or tomorrow. I have a lot to say, so I need to organize my thoughts first. Prepare yourselves

Not Gonna Lie

This blog is going to get ignored for a few weeks.

Sorry.

Addiction

Guitar Hero > memorizing the tax code. Too much fun. Off to the library, where I actually get work done out of fear that I will be judged by other more serious students for screwing around.

Also, I discovered the the trick to not getting bored during long workouts. iTouch solitaire. I told myself I would not get off the stationary bike until I won a game of solitaire, and needless to say, I rode that bike for a long-ass time.

Happy Hump Day /\
(that's supposed to be a hump)

Swinging Doors

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been busy. Like SO busy. Meals are a luxury. Snacks while in transit are a reality.

Currently sitting in a patch of sun tanning while I type up my tax homework. Sad, but I'll take it.

As for the title of this post, there are so many doors opening and closing right now that if I'm not careful one might hit me in the face. Trying not to get whacked. I don't have time for injuries.

And I fucking hate ants. They should pick on someone their own size.

The end. What a fabulous post.

ESTJ

I took a personality-type test for one of my classes (similar to a Myers-Briggs test), and I was given a packet telling me all about my type--ESTJ. Here I am, in a nutshell:

Implementor Supervisor

"Talent for bringing order to chaotic situations. Educating themselves. Industrious, work-hard attitude. Balance work with play. Having a philosophy of life. Having the steps to success. Keeping up traditions. Being well balanced. Connecting their wealth of life experiences. Often disappointed when perfectionistic standards for economy and quality are not met"

As I told my roommates, this sounds like a description for a rigid-bitch-robot-boss. In my defense, I've taken similar tests before and gotten different results (INTJ, ISTJ, and ENTJ--I think I'm on the border for a few of the dichotomies). When I read the descriptions for the three other other types and combined them with 'implementor supervisor', they meshed into a super personality type that sounded a bit more human--and a bit more like me.

Just as interesting as reading about 'who I am' was reading about who I am not--the philosophers, the humanitarians, the free spirits--and thinking about why we are so different. Nature? Nurture? Both? Whatever the reason for the differences, I'm sure these types of people could not imagine being like me any more than I could imagine being like them.

I am very logical and practical and frugal; a worrier and a planner. Sometimes I like being the way I am, but sometimes I wish my personality was a hat I could take off at the end of a long day. In fact, I think it would be amazing if people could swap personalities with their friends for a day. If we had the ability to see our lives through a different lens, maybe things would be different.

Human Hibernation

I have a dream. I want to hibernate this winter. Nothing crazy--just 6 weeks or so to retreat from the world into a cave and do nothing but sleep. So indulgent.

I miss my life. Between classes, homework, extracurriculars, and job searching, my world has become a game of how much shit I can get done in a day. And I've realized that I can get a surprising amount of shit done in a day. But it's not very fun.

I don't even have time to make a dentist appointment. My teeth are going to rot out of my head any day now.

Uncle.

Not-So-Sudden Realization

My laptop is back! Empty, but back. And I'm on my way to Thai Swan for dinner with one of the roomies. That is the good news.

Now for the less-than-good news--an pet-peeve that I feel I must finally make known to the public. I judge people based on their texts. I don't like shortcuts or abbreviations or messed up punctuation. The "word" 'ur' is not that much shorter than 'your', and when you take into account the extra 10 minutes it takes me to figure out what the hell you are trying to say, no time is saved. Texting in itself is already such a lazy means of communication, so why can't we at least follow proper grammar rules?

Maybe I'm being harsh, but my inner spelling-bee champ cannot stomach this any longer.

Also, if you ever get a text from me that says 'Lol' or any similar phrase, please call the police and notify them that my phone has been stolen.

Just Kidding--In a Good Way

I just remembered that my roommate said I could use her laptop for the weekend (she went home for Rosh--a better Jew than I).

I am in a good mood. Earlier, I was wondering how I could possibly be in a good mood considering the death of my laptop, but there's more to life than Facebook and iTunes (I'll let you know what that is when I figure it out), and other than that I've had a pretty good week.

Last night was the official kick-off of recruitment (like for real, full-time jobs). I was dreading it a little because I'm still bitter from last year, but this year is a new year and I need to get over my old grudges. Before the firms presented, myself and the rest of the Accounting Society Board gave a presentation to the younger/non board member students about the recruiting process. I do know a fair amount about it, even though it didn't work out in my favor last year. Afterward, the woman in charge said I did a really good job on the slides I presented (what to wear and interview prep tips). I've always been good with public speaking, but still, it's nice to get a compliment from someone who could have easily said nothing. Today, I was forwarded an email from the dean of the Accounting School praising the board for our "wonderful, informative" presentation. If all else fails, maybe I'll become a motivational speaker. Or not.

Earlier today I went swimming with two of my roommates in the school pool. It was built two years ago, but I'd never been in until today. I liked swimming laps, and the three of us might make a weekly thing of it. It's hard to be stressed when you're swimming.

I got all my weekend errands out of the way this morning. Now I can focus on my homework, or, God forbid, enjoy myself. The only errand I have left is a package that I need to mail. I couldn't remember if the Post Office closed at 3 on Fridays, so instead I took a shower and now I'm blogging.

I'm all cought up on my homework from this past week. I think since my labor day weekend was so aweome, I was more efficient afterward. Of course, I still have a lot to do, but I won't let it bring my mood down. Yay Friday! Yay roommate's laptop. Yay life.

My hard drive crashed. I'm on a library computer.
The other library-goers are probably judging me, so I'll keep this short.

Hopefully I'll be back up and running soon.

Happy September!

Back at school, and this week is passing incredibly slowly. Every day has felt like a week, but then again I've probably done a weeks worth of stuff every day. Hectic. It's first slowing down now, but once recruitment (6 hours per week) and tutoring (5 hours per week) start up...oy.

As a reward for finishing my tax homework 2 hours before class, I am giving myself a second to focus on my sanity blog before my evening chunk of classes/activities.

I really like being back at Hoover house. There's always someone to talk to, and there's almost always wine to be had. I like being in my 400-level classes with all the same people. Good stuff.

I've been making an effort to not eat the same thing for every meal (for those who don't know me--yogurt and cereal). Just in case I encountered a weak moment, I bought some frozen entrees, but I haven't used a single one so far. I've made various salads, sandwiches, and pizzas (with fresh figs from our neighbors tree--I know, who the hell am I?). I think the effort makes it taste better. Also, preparing food is an excellent procrastination technique. 

That's all for now. Happy labor day weekend to all.

4 am

doing Ken-Kens. Listening to bad music. Hmm

3am

Doing the dishes. Hmm

Reflection

It's my final Wednesday as a working woman. I'm finally getting the hang of invoice processing, figuring out the perfect lunch combo (enough to keep me full, not not so full that I want a nap), and bonding with my coworkers, but now it's time to go back to my other life. As a coworker asked me today "would you really want to be doing this forever?" I happened to be stuffing envelopes when she asked, so no. I wouldn't actually want to be doing this job forever, but very few jobs are forever. Especially first ones. It was good while it lasted.  

On the plus side, I now know that I like working, which is a relief since I'll be doing it for a sizable chunk of my life. I have some friends that prefer school to work and would rather be perpetual students. I might go back and get a masters eventually, but only if somebody else pays. 

It's been weird to spend the workday with my financially independent, mostly-married coworkers, and then go home to live with my parents. It's like wearing shoes that are 3 sizes too small, or being a snake that wants to shed its skin but can't. It's hard to feel independent at home. The only thing I like about it is its proximity to the hills, which are good for long walks. 

From what I've observed, I suspect there is a tradeoff between money earned and happiness at work. To a point, the more you earn, the happier you are, but beyond that point, the stress of the job decreases happiness. I'm a nerd, so a made a graph:

Maybe I'm trying to justify the fact that I might never make it to the top, despite my ambition and drive. But it can be lonely at the top. I think it depends on what you do and where you work. Happiness is a choice. Your job is what you do, not who you are. Just be happy. More like this:

Tomorrow there is going to be a bagel breakfast at work (there are monthly events to celebrate birthdays and new hires). I love me some bagels. 

Back to School Blues

School starts one week from tomorrow. I'm having mixed feelings about starting 16th grade. I bought my school supplies today, for the 16th time, and as I was standing in Target's back-to-school section surrounded by kids 1/3 my age, I thought, 'you're getting too old for this.' I think the transition is especially rough this time because I have have seen the field beyond the trees (i.e. the working world) only to walk back into another forest. 

I'm used to working full time. I like the contrast between week days and weekends. I'm more efficient with my time when I know that I have 45 hours less to waste at my discretion. 

That being said, I am glad that I have a "buffer year" to get my shit together. And to get a real, permanent job (theoretically). As a family friend told me, "you will get a job. It might not be exactly what you plan on, but you will get one. In the mean time, you can't worry about it all the time." (oh yeah? watch me) 

But really, she's right. I refuse to go down without a fight. Someone will hire me. 

In other news, I've been reading a lot lately, and I'd forgotten how enjoyable reading for pleasure can be. Mostly because you get to pick the book yourself, and the stress of being tested isn't a factor. I'm going to miss it. A fast, cheap way to forget about what's going on in my own life. Hopefully my summer reads will stick in my brain long enough to get me through the semester, and then I can recharge during winter break. 

Also, I'm going to try update this more often than I have been (and 1 line "I'm tired" posts don't count). My sanity blog. 

Just finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife. Very good, but horribly sad ending. 

And now I can't sleep because there is a small ocean coming out of my face.

AMY BROWN

this is for you, in case you are reading.

hi.

Sorry

Sorry I haven't been blogging

Last week I was sick

And this week I'm tired

Exciting Stuff

I finally found a purpose for my midget hands: fixing jammed staplers.

That and the power went out today. 

An Old Soul

This summer I've been very stressed about the future (fall accounting recruitment/getting a job, classes, work), and I've started to resent the stage that I am at in life. I don't like ambiguity. 

Yesterday after work, I took a walk-- my normal hill route. While on a particularly curvy part of the road, I decided that I wanted to cross the street. However, I realized it was dangerous to cross when a car could come around the corner at any time. I was a walking metaphor. I am about to enter a curvy part of my road, and I can't see what's around the corner. Hopefully not a car waiting to run me down. 

Lately I've been wishing I could take a magical nap and wake up in 10 years when everything's figured out. Basically I've been wishing I wasn't young anymore. 

Today at work, I was in the break room, and two women from my department came in. They were complaining about their sleeping problems, and their aches and pains, and one looked at me and said, "We're so jealous. We wish we were young again like you." It took me by surprise. They have everything figured out--jobs, husbands, families--and they'd rather be in my position. 

I need to stop stressing about the future and things outside my control and enjoy my youth because once it's gone, it's gone for good. One day I'll be the lady in the break room wishing I was the 21-year-old intern.

Late Night

I'm having trouble falling asleep, so I figured I'd blog about what was keeping me up...

It's weird to think that we are all living together at the same time, but that our lives don't necessarily affect others as much as we think they do. We all tend to think the universe revolves around ourselves, so how we feel is how everyone feels. Our highs and lows don't necessarily correlate with other peoples. One person is getting married, and at the same time, another is getting divorced. One gives birth, another mourns a loss. One gets their dream job, another gets laid off. 

It's just weird to think that this is all happening at once, but when we are on one end of it we tend to forget about those on the other side. 

I should go to bed. Work tomorrow. Fingers crossed for a dreamless sleep because last night I had a good dream, woke up, realized it wasn't real, and was sad. This happens a lot now

Yo July

I think July is having an identity crisis. Yes, January starts with the same letter, but that is ALL they have in common. Especially not weather patterns. 

Or so I thought...

July= cold and cloudy?

Let Me Explain!

One might THINK that I've been a lazy blogger and not posting often enough. 

Actually, I have been writing posts, but last minute decide they are not blog-worthy. 

It's because I've been very tired, and don't want to make any poor blogging decisions (or post something for the world that I later regret).

Here's a list of some of the things I've done (or haven't done) under the influence of sleep deprivation:

--cut my own hair

--watched a full day marathon of Real Housewives of New Jersey (Jersey shore but a few years older with kids)

--Unable to string together an intelligible sentence.

--And other things that I can't remember, because I'm tired....

I have this blog

I have a Twitter

I have Facebook

& I have a blackberry

The more I speak with my fingers

the less I speak with my mouth

Ceiling People

The following is a picture of the ceiling in my parent's bedroom, right above their bed (well, where it used to be--they've since moved it to a different wall). If you look at the blob in the middle, it looks like a curly-haired girl with a boy kissing her on each cheek. I named them Randy, Sandy, and Andy. 

Unfortunately, I was the only one who could see Randy, Sandy & Andy, until yesterday, when I had the brilliant idea to take a picture, print it, color them in, and scan it. So without further adeu, here are Randy, Sandy & Andy live in technicolor:

I am aware that the coloring is less than stellar (I always pictured Sandy to be more of a WWII-era pin-up), but hopefully it helps make sense of the first photo/my 6-year old brain.

Weird Dreams

I've been having weird dreams lately. I usually don't remember them, but I have a theory that one is more likely to remember their dreams when they get adequate sleep (which doesn't happen during the school year but is happening now). I think it's been proven...something about not disrupting the REM cycle. 

Anyway, the weird thing about my dreams is how un-weird they are. When I wake up, I can't remember if the dream was in fact a dream or an occurrence from the previous day. 

For example: Last Sunday, my grandpa came over for a barbecue. I was a little confused why we were having a barbecue because my mom had told me that my Grandpa didn't eat meat anymore. It wasn't an absurd idea--my grandpa has some health issues--but I couldn't remember if the conversation actually happened. So I asked my mom, and she confirmed that no such conversation took place. My grandpa still eats meat.

I've always been interested in dream interpretations (nothing ridiculous or far-fetched, just basics), but these are so...mundane. And the meat statement was just one example. Every night I have a dream in which I am talking to someone I know (and they actually look like them, which is also unusual for dreams), and they make a rather unremarkable statement or two.

Not earth-shattering stuff, but I hope it doesn't lead to any foot-in-mouth situations. Or insanity.

Sunday

First off, Happy Father's Day! Now that I have a job (yes, I got one!), I'm appreciating weekends again. Lazy Sunday today. Bagel brunch, then  my dad is going to pick up my grandpa (his dad) and bring him to our house for a BBQ. Which is good, as I haven't seen him since last summer, and he's my only living grandparent.  Bad Dana.

Last night I went to an Imogen Heap concert at the Greek. It was a last minute decision, and it turned out be a really good one! She was mixing her own music on stage and saying witty things between songs, not to mention she has an AMAZING voice. The only downside was traffic on the drive home. Only LA would have traffic at midnight. 

Okay, I'm out of news, and I have a headache. Adios for today.

Decided Today...

1. Stop worrying so much about the future. Today is now. Tomorrow is uncertain. I can plan and worry all I want, and the end result will be similar either way. If things don't go as originally planned, I can come up with a plan B. Done it before, will probably have to do it again. And the world keeps turning. So therefore I must chill the fuck out.

2. Getting the eff out of California when I graduate. I've always lived here, and I don't appreciate it because I don't know anything else. Don't appreciate the lack of culture or humor. Maybe it's a mistake to leave, but it's a mistake I want to make on my own (rather than hear it from others who aren't me...*achem* MOM)) before I have too many assets/baggage to do it and spend the rest of my life regretting the fact that I never got out of the "california whirl pool" (ie. people who try/plan to leave but some force keeps them in). I'm not trying to whine or imply that I am better than my fellow statesmen, I'm just the type that likes to inspect the grass on both sides of the fence to make sure it is indeed not greener on the other side. I like to exercise my options, I like to try new things. If I hate it, I'll come back. If I don't hate it- then it was a good choice. I've wanted to spend at least a small chunk of my life living in New York City since I visited in January 2008. It was cold, but so much more alive than anywhere else I've been.

My mother agrees. Which is good. One less battle to fight.

In other (not particularly interesting) news, I drank non-decaf coffee before bed last night and was wired until 4:30 am. That is when I did most of the aforementioned life planning. Then woke up at 6. Oy. Luckily Amy (WHO READS THIS!!) happened to see my facebook status about being awake and texted me that she was too (due to traveling/jet-lag), so we met at Panera early in the morning and talked for a few hours. I liked it. Friends make me happy, and less worried.

I also figured out what I can do with all my newfound free time, which I have come to accept is my current reality. Last week I was angry/confused about these large chunks of time because I am used to the school year when I have a full course load, a job, and extracurriculars (chicken-without-a-head type of busy). Now that I'm getting used to the slower pace of summer, I've set aside some interesting looking books (thanks to my sister, who majored in english/ creative writing and has a massive bookshelf of lit.), found some dance classes at my gym (hula?!), and located my old music-editing software. And swimming :) 

Tomorrow I'm going to email the CPA who keeps forgetting to call back and offer my services for free (forget the money--at this point I just need it for my resume!). Even if it's very part time, I have other stuff to do now. Like enjoy life.

I am bored.

That is not to say I have nothing to do. I have a book to read, unpacking to do, errands to run-- but I'm still bored.

Yesterday, for lack of a better thing to do (I'd already searched the Craigslist job postings), I Googled boredom. According to some psychologist, true boredom has nothing to do with how busy you are. It is the existential state of being dissatisfied with one's life. No shit.

So for now, I'm stuck in my house, listening to my sister's awful iTunes mixes (classical, bad 90s pop, and old Madonna?) and trying to find some way to be less dissatisfied (ie. more satisfied) with life. A job would be nice. I'm waiting on 5 employers to respond.

My mom suggested, since we are both not working, that we make and sell crafty things, but in this economy I don't know...I found out my favorite (and last surviving) scrapbooking store is closing next month because people don't have the time or money to scrapbook anymore. So I don't know if anyone will want our cutes-y crafts either.

End of an era

I've always had a thing for yearbooks. As I got older, they got fatter (and, therefore, more interesting)

When I was in 6th grade, my older sister (then in 9th grade) brought home her first high school yearbook. I spent hours looking through it.

Today my younger sister (who is a senior), brought home her yearbook, and I realized it is probably the last high school yearbook I'll look through. At least for a while 

I'm having a nostalgic moment.

Back to the Real World

Home from Hawaii!!

Here's a few photo highlights...

Waikiki Beach

Pineapple Splits at the Dole Plantation

Pineapple Express (we were so mature about it....)

And wonderful Strawberry Coladas

~~~

Let me tell you, it was so good to get away (Thanks Nicole!) Now that I'm back home in one piece (a rather tan piece), time to get back to real life. 

In Conclusion

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.” 

--Richard Bach

✌

That's it. 

Aloha (in this case, goodbye) real world, aloha (hello) paradise. What a confusing word.

Within You Without You

I took my walk alone this morning. I usually walk with my mom, but today I wasn't in the mood for small-talk (rundown of daily errands, PTA gossip, etc). It was nice to be outside, listening to music (carefully selected--nothing too sad or memory evoking)

Most of the disappointments in my life thus far have been of a different nature. Scrapes. They hurt, and they might be annoying for a few days, but for the most part you can get up, brush yourself off, and be okay. Jobs--I never had them, so  technically I didn't lose anything. Grades--once the semester ends they're water under the bridge. 

This is not a scrape. I don't know exactly what this is. A puncture wound, maybe? I can keep telling myself 'it's okay, you're fine, it's done' but I know there is something serious under the surface that can't be left untreated forever.

     _     _     _

Yesterday was really hard in ways I didn't expect. I was okay during the afternoon, but things started to unravel later in the day. I decided to spend the evening in LA with my family while my sisters went to the Flight of the Conchords concert at the Hollywood Bowl. It was either that, or go bowling with my roommate and her fiance.

Getting dressed was frustrating. I was not in the mood to make unimportant decisions (such as what to wear), and while standing in front of my closet realized that I am no longer dressing to look cute for anyone. I chose black.

My sister's apartment in LA was hot. While she finished getting ready, I looked at magazines in her kitchen. I read an article about a guy who moved to New York City. The highlight of the article was the end. It said, "you do not want to be with a girl from New York. She is not sensitive enough to have a relationship with." Good news.

Going to the Hollywood bowl made me strangely emotional. The whole family had to go in because my mom paid for the tickets and needed to be there with a photo ID to claim them at will-call. Couples everywhere. Intertwined hands, loving gazes, kisses. Too much for me.

I left the venue to get some air. I don't like crying, and I especially don't like crying in public. And it was just an odd situation. I girl sitting on a curb outside a Flight of the Conchords concert, crying. Most people probably thought I was some spoiled brat who didn't get the seats she wanted. Sorry to disappoint. 

The rest of the night was a little better, though I threw a bit of a text messaging fit after the Bowl snafu. Sorry A.

     _     _     _

We got home at 1 am (thanks to LA traffic). I wasn't tired, so I did some research on breaking up, grieving, recovering. Of course, most of it was bullshit, but I did find some interesting stuff. Like that these kind of breakups are harder because there is nowhere to channel the anger. It's true. As mad as I am (or frustrated?), I can't be mad at him. [My reasoning: He's sad too. He left first because he graduated first. Next year, when I'm done, I have every intention of getting a job elsewhere too.] 

I also read stuff about cutting off communication and hiding reminders of them. I don't know if that applies here. We talked on the phone yesterday. And I don't know if I could handle going cold turkey right now. I think over time, as we get busier with life, a balance will be found. Plus, he has damn good taste in music. There are too many good songs I'd have to avoid. 

Am I in denial, or is this different than a normal breakup? (ie. do we have a shot at staying friends. I hope so) This isn't one person telling the other that they don't want to be with the other anymore. This is life getting in its own way. It's tripping over your own shoelaces. It's choking on your own spit. 

     _     _     _

I'm going to Hawaii tomorrow morning. Can't believe it. Haven't packed yet. Part of me fears that it's too soon and that I haven't had enough time to grieve, but only time will tell. 

Bittersweet Symphony

Today there are a ton of bricks on my chest.

They're making it hard for me to breathe.

* * *

This morning

the greatest guy in the whole world

got into a car filled with all his belongings

and left.

He's on the road still,

headed for Seattle

then New York--

but not California.

He doesn't live here anymore.

Today is the hardest day

I've known about it for a while

thought about it for a while

tried to mentally prepare myself for a while

But there are some things in life you just can't prepare for ahead of time.

Goodbye punk. I miss you. 

Moving my stuff home

I do not have a problem.


I do not have a problem...


Holy cwap! I do have a problem.

I've always liked clothes, but this is the first time my liking has become an issue. Especially since I've moved to college and had my stuff split between locations. It's harder to keep tabs on how much stuff I've accumulated.

Where on earth am I going to put my shoes? Oy.

While I was hanging it all up, I was listening to my iTunes on shuffle, and the Beatles song "Help" came on. I laughed out loud.

I'm thinking I might purge some of it to Goodwill over the summer.

Summer Revival

So since summer has been pretty eh so far, I figured I needed a place to vent. When life hands you lemons, blog about the lemons. (Note: I suspect that I am the only one who comes to this page, nonetheless, it feels good to write it out) Hopefully, once things improve, this will take on a more positive spin. I'm working on it- really.

The job hunt is starting to feel like labor-force prostitution. First I started with the big firms. No luck. Then some contacts my parents knew. Nope. Then I cold-emailed (similar to the cold call) a bunch of local firms I found on the internet. They don't need help. I'm not great with rejection to begin with, so it's hard. And weird. To WANT a job and not be able to get one. My final hope is an unpaid internship with the county controller's office--unpaid. As much as that pains me, I really do need the experience, and something to do with my time. As much as I fantasize about free time when I am super busy, I don't actually like it that much. I need somethingto do; something to look forward to.

So needless to say, this week has not been the best. No job, and a traumatic weekend coming up :(

I spoke to my sister Elysse on the phone today, and she said "one day you'll look back on this time in your life and laugh." I actually had a similar thought last night as I was gong to sleep, only minus the laughing part. When the present isn't going so well, I tend to shift my thinking toward the long term. I really helps. I don't know if I'll ever look back on this point in my life and laugh, but hopefully one day I'll look back to now as a measure of how far I've come.

Okay, enough of the Debbie Downer. Now for the good, There is something really amazing that happened in the last two days. Yesterday, right when I felt like the week couldn't get ANY worse, I got a facebook message from my friend Nicole saying that she was going to Hawaii for a conference next week, and her supervisor said she could bring a friend. I said yes right away, but was very cautious about not getting my hopes up. As it was, her co-worker was offered the spot and had the first right of refusal.

BUT, I got the thumbs up today, and now it's official:

I'M GOING TO HAWAII FROM JUNE 1-5!!!! Next Tuesday--so soon. Though I had to pay for air faire, my parents consented because, to quote my mother, "otherwise you'd be moping around the house crying all week." The sad part is, that's probably true. It will be so amazing to get away, even for five days. I'm sure I will be very sad, but being in paradise will at least provide some distraction from everything going on. The timing could not be better. It makes me think that there is someone out there looking out for me.

All in all, this week hasn't been the best, but I'm trying my best to keep my spirits up.

Goodnight!