What I Learned From Being Bullied

To those of you that know me on a fairly day-to-day basis, you may have noticed a change in my behavior last semester. I was quiet, often appeared exhausted (when seen at all), and didn't socialize unless people came to my house. The truth is, I was being bullied.

She was 5'4, had brown hair, and wasn't large in stature but intimidating nonetheless. I saw her all too often. Soon, she had me convinced that I was a loser. All failings in my personal and 'professional' life were my own fault. The further I fell, the louder her taunts became. And the worst part was that I couldn't escape the grip of my bully, because the bully was me.

I think my 'tough-love' style roots back to my soccer days. If somebody knocked me down, my priority was to get back up fast above all else. I had a job to do. Even if I was in pain. Staying down meant that I was failing myself and my teammates. It meant I was a loser.

I took those principles and carried them into my non-soccer life. When I fell down, the speed of my recovery was vital. If ever I deemed that I was taking too long to get back up, my bully would speak up. "Get up. Don't be a loser." Of course, 'loser' was a self-assessed title. [I should mention that I am also a perfectionist. Bad combo.]

My experience last semester taught me that sometimes I need stand up to my inner-bully. To tell her to shut the fuck up, and then tell her to apologize for calling me a loser. I would never tolerate these verbal assaults from anyone else, yet I allowed my inner bully to have free-reign with her words. I learned that life is not a soccer game. I need to realize when I'm in pain, and maybe sit out for a while. Not all pain can be "walked off" and ignored. Most of all, when someone is in pain, it's important to be nice to them.

I didn't learn this lesson until I woke up one day and realized that I couldn't live my life this way anymore. I felt disconnected from everyone and everything.

Bullying is a terrible trend that has been increasingly entering the public scope. It is everyone's responsibility to take a stand against this trend. But in your other-advocacy, don't forget to not bully yourself as well.

PS- I am doing much better this semester, for those of you who were concerned. :)

Retrospect

Retro (Latin prefix): "backwards" or "in past times."

Looking at life events in retrospect provides a level of clarity that cannot be present at the time the even occurred.
Looking at life in retrospect is like analyzing a sports game after you know the final score. It's easy to see where and when the strategic errors took place. Sometimes I wish I knew all the answers ahead of time.

You too might be thinking, "wouldn't life be easier if I knew everything in advance?" Upon further thought, I think not.

• a. Knowing is easy, but easy = boring.
• b. knowing everything that's going to happen includes both good and bad things. Being aware of your own impending doom (if such is the case) could be depressing. Ignorance is bliss.
  

Retrospect can also identify good things that you didn't know or think were good at the time. Like getting passed up for one job, only to get a better one later. Yeah, it sucks at the time, but in retrospect, you're pretty glad that those jerks didn't want you. (Same goes for boys).

I bring this up, because on my ride home today, I was thinking about two of my friends who dated for a little while. It ended strangely, and drama ensued. At the time, it was a pretty big deal. Now, the issue is pretty much dead.

So basically, in retrospect, nothing is that big of a deal. Therefore, let's all relax a bit, shall we?

Feliz Martes

Post-Spring Break Grogginess

Have you ever experienced the phenomenon where you take a too-long nap, and it actually makes you more tired?

I feel like that's what spring break did to me. I was so close to being done with school, and then this damn break came along and stole all my momentum. And now all I want to do is....nothing.

A Special Breed of Uniqueness

People whose every Facebook album is titled after lyrics from the most popular Top-40 song at the time.

Extra bonus: when 4 or 5 people create albums with the same title within days of each other.

Way to be unique, guys and gals.

Double Scoop

*Forewarning: today's post is brought to you by severe sleep deprivation and a long drive, and I'm trying to keep my language as un-harsh as possible. That said, I can't guarantee anything.

Since it's been a while since my last post, I'm lumping two thoughts into one entry.
Today's topics: (1) Considerate Vs. Inconsiderate, and (2) Opinions

1. There are two types of people: considerate and...not. I think that I'm typically a considerate person. I'm not trying to paint a portrait of myself as a saint, but I almost always consider others' thoughts and needs before I act (via group consensus, majority opinion, etc.). I'm not going to do something that nobody else wants to do, because in the end I'll feel guilty. I expect the same treatment from others. However, this 'golden rule' mentality doesn't account for those on the other side of the coin. The steam-rollers. It's their way or the highway, and if you disagree...well, they're going to do what they damn-well please, regardless of how you feel.

A problem arises when a considerate person is paired with an inconsiderate person. Though it's in my nature to consider others, it can get extremely frustrating when I know that I won't get the same treatment in return. I suppose it would be easy enough to be inconsiderate also in order to get even, but then I'm compromising my own values. Hopefully karma/justice will determine how this one turns out.

2. Which segways into my second topic (rant): opinions and tolerance.

opin·ion \ə-ˈpin-yən\: a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter (merriam-webster.com)

Differences are inherent in our society. We are all different, so naturally there will be differences among individuals. Size, shape, intelligence, experience, and opinions.

It is impossible to eliminate all differences among people. We can react to these differences in two ways: tolerance or intolerance.

1. Tolerance- accept that people have different opinions than you do. They aren't wrong, and neither are you.

2. Intolerance- try to convince others that your opinion is the correct opinion, and persist until they change their mind.

I am unwaveringly tolerant. I embrace differences. I might not agree with others' opinions all the time, but I am open to the idea that my opinion is not more 'right' or 'wrong' than anyone elses. I believe that being intolerant of others is a sign of ignorance.

I also consider myself a pacifist, but when people try to tell me that my opinions are wrong, I push back. My opinion regarding opinions is that you have no right to tell someone else that their opinion is wrong. I have spent the last 22 1/2 years gathering information from my surroundings, so it's not like my opinions were formed in a vacuum. If you think there is any single thing you can tell me that will reverse a lifetime of thought...you're wasting your time and breath.

But like I said, that's just my opinion. If you disagree with my opinion:

• Cool. You're entitled to disagree with me.

However, if you are currently formulating an argument of how you will convince me otherwise:

• Go back and read this entry again--this time with your eyes open.
  

In accounting, when you find an error on a past financial statement, you go back, correct the error, and restate your current financial statements. Problem solved.

Real life doesn't work like that, unfortunately.

Anger

Looking all the way back to my competitive tennis-playing days, anger has always inspired me to be better.

The fire is lit. Here I go.

What I think....

I think:
When I see pictures, or videos, or any evidence of what a great time you're having now,
without me,
I get angry.

I think:
This might make me a horrible person.
But I don't really know.

Yin-Yangin, again

Last night I had a dream that I saw my weight lifting teacher from last semester.
She said "Hi, how are you?" and I said, "I'm good." Then I passed out on the floor right in front of her.

And then I woke up. Weird.

WOW

I just got back from a family dinner to commemorate my half-birthday/the anniversary of my grandpa getting shot in the war (we didn't know about this one until he told us). Not your typical family dinner celebration.

Happy 22.5th birthday to me!

I am a baby

Reason for this post's title: I can no longer sleep through the night, just like a baby. The usual pattern: try to fall asleep for an hour or two, wake up in the middle of the night for an hour or two, wake up early. Equals out to about 4 hours of sleep a night.

On the plus side, my insomnia has given me lots of time to think. While not sleeping last night, I realized that my half-Birthday is tomorrow, and that I start work in less than 2 months. Freaky. Time flies.

One of my very braggy friends posted a facebook status about how she has everything figured out (job, roommate, apartment), and can "live it up until graduation." Upon reading this, I realized that as I no longer have a roommate and still haven't figured out where I'm going to live, so this might be kind of a weird/lonely summer. Maybe I should start studying for my CPA exams (I was going to take the summer off) so I won't notice that my social life has died.

My Twitter post this morning: "In other news, I think the universe is conspiring against us." This is another thing I realized while I wasn't sleeping last night/this morning. Sigh.

The great debate

My apologies for the unintentional hiatus. These last few weeks have been pretty hectic.

Today's topic: how to label meals...

It the title of the meal based on the type of food you are eating, or the time of day it is when you eat it?

For example if you eat cereal at night, are you eating breakfast, or are you eating cereal for dinner? Or if you eat leftover steak in the morning, are you eating dinner, or steak for breakfast?

Mind-boggling, isn't it?