Limbo

I've never been good with goodbyes.  Death is the ultimate goodbye.

As of now, I'm in limbo.  My grandpa has been fairly sick for the past few years, really sick for a few months, and in the hospital for the past week.

My sister, parents and I went to visit him in the hospital this past weekend.   My aunt was in the process of packing up the stuff in his apartment (he hasn't lived there for the fast few months because he couldn't get up the flight of stairs), and was showing us pictures and reading tidbits of articles and interviews she'd found.  He was in and out of consciousness, but appreciated our company.  I could tell he was trying to not let us see how much pain he was in.

I'm glad I saw him, but it was scary to see him looking so old and scared and sick. It was hard to not get visibly upset during the visits. I don't know how some people do it.

Yesterday, he was doing better (which isn't that good at this point), with the possibility of leaving the hospital and going to a skilled nursing facility.

But, as a once dignified, grown adult, who now wears diapers and gets spoon fed and is in horrible pain in most parts of his body, he finally decided he didn't want to do it anymore. As of this morning, he decided to stop dialysis (the process that filters your blood when your kidneys don't work).  Now, he's laying in a hospital bed, sedated, until he dies of whichever one of his ailments decides to take him first. Probably "tonight or tomorrow," said my mom.

The inevitable hasn't happened yet, but it's...inevitable. It's impossible not to think about the fact that "tonight or tomorrow," I won't have any living grandparents left, but also, at this point, passing is the only thing that will relieve him from all the pain a suffering. Limbo is the hardest part. Waiting for the end.

Today I watched the sun set, marking the end of the day and the end of a month. And the end of a life.  Since I'm not one to procrastinate, goodbye grandpa. I love you, and I hope wherever you go next is better.

Double Stuff

Pertaining to my previous post (and the continuing streak of Northeast creepiness), I can't imagine being a young child and trying to comprehend what is happening right now. Also, I can't imagine being a parent of a young child, trying to explain what is happening right now.  I'm struggling to find the balance between going about my daily life and processing these horrific current events.  Life goes on, but also, it doesn't.

Also, on a less heavy note, but perhaps to further explain why I'm in generally 'eh' spirits, I'm learning the weight that coworkers have in overall job satisfaction. Or, lack thereof. For nearly two years, I've sat in the same seat, next to the same teammate.  About two weeks ago, to accommodate for another department's expansion, my teammate was moved to a different space, and a new girl was moved into his former spot. In two weeks, the only verbal exchange I've had with this girl is her asking me (not nicely, mind you) to chew my gum with my mouth closed (for the record: I do).  Basically, she's a bitch, and I dread coming to work every day knowing that I'll have to spend 10 hours sitting next to (but not talking to) a person that I hate. The only reason I'm not looking for a new job is because my department is moving to a different floor in our building in a few months, and (HOPEFULLY), I'll be sitting with my team again. And not the gum-hater.

Any City, USA

 After a weekend away, I was welcomed back to reality with harsh, unloving arms.

Another senseless act of violence, committed upon a group of people gathered to celebrate the triumphs of their peers. The victims were doing nothing that any normal person in any normal city wouldn't do, and yet they are left disfigured, both physically and emotionally, by an arbitrary act of hate.  Violence is a disease that, if left untreated, will continue to spread. We need to stop this epidemic in its tracks.  Even if you were not personally affected by the events that occurred today; next time, it could be your city, and your peers. Or, it could be you.

We are privileged enough to live in a country with virtually no wars fought on our turf.  Why then, do we insist on waging a war on our own people?

My Motto

Woody Allen Presents:

This quote is my personal motto.  Before you scold me for having such a motto, I never said that I chose this as my personal motto.  In fact, it chose me.  Perhaps it will provide some context for...everything I've ever written.

Analyze That

Last night, I drove my car into a lake.  There were tons people around, but nobody seemed to notice what had happened. In fact, nobody even seemed to see me as I sat by the edge of the lake wondering what to do.  I couldn't call anyone, because my phone (and purse) were at the bottom of the lake.

Then my alarm went off.  Much to my relief, my car was parked in its regular spot.