Last night you called for the first time in a really long time
And for the first time, I wasn't secretly hoping you'd want to get back together,
or that you were finally coming to visit,
or even that you missed me
I was just wondering why you wanted to call after all this time.
March 31, 2012
March 25, 2012
Just Keep Swimming
I set a ridiculously ambitious weekend study goal, and (for once) achieved it. I attribute it to the rain (my productivity and the weather have an inverse relationship). Who/whatever is responsible, *pat on back*.
I said I would be back when things were different. Actually, nothing is different, but there are updates:
My 4th exam is a week for tomorrow, and the "re-match" test two weeks later. A week of intense cramming, followed by two weeks of intense (and vengeful) cramming. On the eve of what will probably be the mentally toughest 3 weeks of my young life, I could think of nothing better to do than write a post. I already tried sleeping, but there are too many Latin legal terms and tax code provisions swimming in my head for sleep.
But for real, I won't be blogging for the next three weeks. I need to focus on more important things, such as breathing, sleeping, and beating the shit out of these tests.
I said I would be back when things were different. Actually, nothing is different, but there are updates:
My 4th exam is a week for tomorrow, and the "re-match" test two weeks later. A week of intense cramming, followed by two weeks of intense (and vengeful) cramming. On the eve of what will probably be the mentally toughest 3 weeks of my young life, I could think of nothing better to do than write a post. I already tried sleeping, but there are too many Latin legal terms and tax code provisions swimming in my head for sleep.
But for real, I won't be blogging for the next three weeks. I need to focus on more important things, such as breathing, sleeping, and beating the shit out of these tests.
March 10, 2012
Hiatus
My weekend study schedule goes something like this: wake up, eat breakfast, assemble study materials, go to work, study until I can't take it anymore, return home and take a long walk with my iPod, feel better, study more, go to sleep.
Today was no exception. As usual, I left work when I was too burned out to study any more, and set out for my walk. I walked and I walked, and listened to music and walked some more. At a certain point I realized that, despite the fresh air and music, I didn't feel any better. I started to get frustrated at myself, which obviously didn't help me feel any better. So then I was tired, upset and annoyed.
I've stopped bringing my phone with me when I walk, mostly because I don't want to carry it, but also because I realized how rarely anyone actually calls or texts while I'm walking. For that matter, nobody emails me or contacts me through Facebook, Twitter, or comments on these posts. I'm starting to think that my life is the movie Back to the Future and I'm the one who has been erased from the family photo - only nobody bothered to tell me. All for the pursuit of a goal that has done nothing but suck all forms of joy and human interaction from my life.
So, I think it's time for me to take a break. I'll be back when things are...different.
As for my song - this one isn't new (it was the song on my myspace page when I was 16 or so), but, I still enjoy hearing it when it comes up on my shuffle.
Aqualung - Something to Believe In: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdG6qP1G7ls
Today was no exception. As usual, I left work when I was too burned out to study any more, and set out for my walk. I walked and I walked, and listened to music and walked some more. At a certain point I realized that, despite the fresh air and music, I didn't feel any better. I started to get frustrated at myself, which obviously didn't help me feel any better. So then I was tired, upset and annoyed.
I've stopped bringing my phone with me when I walk, mostly because I don't want to carry it, but also because I realized how rarely anyone actually calls or texts while I'm walking. For that matter, nobody emails me or contacts me through Facebook, Twitter, or comments on these posts. I'm starting to think that my life is the movie Back to the Future and I'm the one who has been erased from the family photo - only nobody bothered to tell me. All for the pursuit of a goal that has done nothing but suck all forms of joy and human interaction from my life.
So, I think it's time for me to take a break. I'll be back when things are...different.
As for my song - this one isn't new (it was the song on my myspace page when I was 16 or so), but, I still enjoy hearing it when it comes up on my shuffle.
Aqualung - Something to Believe In: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdG6qP1G7ls
March 8, 2012
The 'Plan Man' Theory
I don't want to go to sleep, because sleep has a strange way of solidifying events. There's always a moment first thing the morning after when I have to reflect upon the events in question and decide that a) it was just a dream, or b) yeah, that really happened. Unfortunately, with bad things, the answer is usually b.
Instead, of sleeping, here's a theory...
Preface: I didn't grow up in a particularly religious household, but I went to I went through all the steps (Sunday school, services, celebrated the holidays, etc.). Once I reached an age where I was able to think freely, I realized that I didn't feel much of a connection to religion (it probably didn't help that both my parents expressed that they found organized religion to be bullshit, and personal experience taught me that religion and morality do not go hand in hand). If you are religious, you might not like this theory. And you don't have to, because it's mine.
The Plan Man Theory
I generally like to plan out my life. Having a plan gives me a sense of direction. However, I've found that when plan too much, something always goes haywire and I have to change my plans entirely. That's where Plan Man comes in.
Who is Plan Man? He is the man upstairs, who sits at a desk all day and night and approves or rejects the plans we submit. He's usually a reasonable guy, but Plan Man can also be a pretty controlling guy, and does not like when we attempt to defy his authority and implement our own plans without his approval. When he gets the sense that we are making too many major plans on our own, he will probably start rejecting plans just to make a point.
The trick: plan out your life just enough, but not so much that Plan Man becomes offended and screws up your plans. It's a delicate balance.
Instead, of sleeping, here's a theory...
Preface: I didn't grow up in a particularly religious household, but I went to I went through all the steps (Sunday school, services, celebrated the holidays, etc.). Once I reached an age where I was able to think freely, I realized that I didn't feel much of a connection to religion (it probably didn't help that both my parents expressed that they found organized religion to be bullshit, and personal experience taught me that religion and morality do not go hand in hand). If you are religious, you might not like this theory. And you don't have to, because it's mine.
The Plan Man Theory
I generally like to plan out my life. Having a plan gives me a sense of direction. However, I've found that when plan too much, something always goes haywire and I have to change my plans entirely. That's where Plan Man comes in.
Who is Plan Man? He is the man upstairs, who sits at a desk all day and night and approves or rejects the plans we submit. He's usually a reasonable guy, but Plan Man can also be a pretty controlling guy, and does not like when we attempt to defy his authority and implement our own plans without his approval. When he gets the sense that we are making too many major plans on our own, he will probably start rejecting plans just to make a point.
The trick: plan out your life just enough, but not so much that Plan Man becomes offended and screws up your plans. It's a delicate balance.
It happened
A wise man once said:
It happened - my biggest fear - and I'm still alive. I didn't cry, though I got a bit misty when I received a 'you tried your best and I'm proud of you' text from my mom. That's the scariest part of this all- what if my best isn't enough? I have friends/coworkers who have failed 4 or 5 tests already, and now that my cloak of invincibility is off (and I can no longer be one of the 10% that passes all 4 tests on the first try), I'm worried that this could be my future too.
But, as always, I refuse to go down without a fight. I'm going to study with vengeance for my next test, and I'm even referring to the re-take a "rematch" instead of the F-word (fail, for those of you who need things spelled out). Unfortunately, this rematch will cost me $250.
And finally (mostly for my own sake), and inspirational picture, because everything bad will eventually end.
**And a special shout out to my family and friends, who have been super supportive through this whole process. My sister is currently driving all the way across LA in rush hour traffic to take me to dinner. That's love.
"Do not check your test score at workActually, a wise man didn't say that. I said that. Because I did it, only to discover that I was two points shy of passing. Two points. TWO. And then I had to sit at work for nine more hours.
unless you are prepared to find out your test score at work"
It happened - my biggest fear - and I'm still alive. I didn't cry, though I got a bit misty when I received a 'you tried your best and I'm proud of you' text from my mom. That's the scariest part of this all- what if my best isn't enough? I have friends/coworkers who have failed 4 or 5 tests already, and now that my cloak of invincibility is off (and I can no longer be one of the 10% that passes all 4 tests on the first try), I'm worried that this could be my future too.
But, as always, I refuse to go down without a fight. I'm going to study with vengeance for my next test, and I'm even referring to the re-take a "rematch" instead of the F-word (fail, for those of you who need things spelled out). Unfortunately, this rematch will cost me $250.
And finally (mostly for my own sake), and inspirational picture, because everything bad will eventually end.
**And a special shout out to my family and friends, who have been super supportive through this whole process. My sister is currently driving all the way across LA in rush hour traffic to take me to dinner. That's love.
March 4, 2012
Leaky Pipes
Everything in the cabinet under my bathroom sink is soaking wet. I noticed this a few weeks back, attempted to (sort of) fix the problem, and didn't think of it again. Until today, when I had to retrieve something from that cabinet. I may have many skills, but plumbing is not one of them...
(refer to my toilet post. Second thought - don't)
Therefore: here is a letter I found on another blog. I like tongue-in-cheek humor and I like radio. This has both.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-open-letter-to-jonelle-who-sent-a-three-song-radio-dedication-to-her-boyfriend-rob
(refer to my toilet post. Second thought - don't)
Therefore: here is a letter I found on another blog. I like tongue-in-cheek humor and I like radio. This has both.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-open-letter-to-jonelle-who-sent-a-three-song-radio-dedication-to-her-boyfriend-rob
March 3, 2012
While Driving
I tend to do most of my thinking while in transit.
On today's drive, I had this thought:
Every day, I'm as old as I've ever been, and as young as I'll ever be.
Hmm.
On today's drive, I had this thought:
Every day, I'm as old as I've ever been, and as young as I'll ever be.
Hmm.
March 2, 2012
Give Me Shelter
It has been observed that when an elephant has been caged for an extended period of time, it won't leave the cage when the door is opened because it doesn't realize that it's free. I offer an alternative view: what if the elephant knows it can leave the cage but simply doesn't want to?
Today I was asked what I'm going to do with all my free time once my tests are over (possibly one month from today if I passed test #3). This is actually something I've thought a lot about during many sleepless nights. My fellow test-takers all joke about it, but a legitimate part of me is scared that once I have a life, I won't know what to do with it. I am afraid that I will race through these tests, only to find boredom and loneliness at the finish line.
I'm going to devote the rest of this entry to my apprehensions about the world outside my cage:
I have decided that Los Angeles is the significant other who doesn't treat me well but has never cheated. It's hard to know if and when to walk away.
I grew up in a small town. If you passed someone walking on the street, you said hello - regardless of whether or not you knew them. In Los Angeles, you don't talk to people you don't know. Even a friendly smile and simple 'hi' will be reciprocated with alien stares or rude mutterings (this has happened). As a female, other females will never talk to you, and males will only do so to make a rude or sexual comment. You will spend your life sitting in traffic or, if walking or biking, trying not to get hit by an angry driver.
The only way to restore your wavering faith in humanity is to travel outside the city. Eventually, you must either accept your life as is, or relocate.
Finally, my plea to the nice, friendly residents of Los Angeles: please come out of hiding.
Preferably on or around April 2.
Today I was asked what I'm going to do with all my free time once my tests are over (possibly one month from today if I passed test #3). This is actually something I've thought a lot about during many sleepless nights. My fellow test-takers all joke about it, but a legitimate part of me is scared that once I have a life, I won't know what to do with it. I am afraid that I will race through these tests, only to find boredom and loneliness at the finish line.I'm going to devote the rest of this entry to my apprehensions about the world outside my cage:
I have decided that Los Angeles is the significant other who doesn't treat me well but has never cheated. It's hard to know if and when to walk away.
I grew up in a small town. If you passed someone walking on the street, you said hello - regardless of whether or not you knew them. In Los Angeles, you don't talk to people you don't know. Even a friendly smile and simple 'hi' will be reciprocated with alien stares or rude mutterings (this has happened). As a female, other females will never talk to you, and males will only do so to make a rude or sexual comment. You will spend your life sitting in traffic or, if walking or biking, trying not to get hit by an angry driver.
The only way to restore your wavering faith in humanity is to travel outside the city. Eventually, you must either accept your life as is, or relocate.
Finally, my plea to the nice, friendly residents of Los Angeles: please come out of hiding.
Preferably on or around April 2.
March 1, 2012
Now? How about now?
What is now? And more importantly, when is now?
Have you ever seen this arcade game? It's called the Cyclone. Tiny lightbulbs illuminating in rapid succession create the illusion of a continually moving stream of light. The object of the game is to press one of the buttons around the perimeter at the exact moment the corresponding lightbulb is illuminated. It sounds easy, but it's actually incredibly hard to do.
Now, think about what now is. It's a perpetually moving moment in time that we as human beings try to stop and label. If now never stops, by the time you've identified now, isn't it already then?
I spent a good deal of my day trying to figure this one out, but ended up tying my brain into a pretzel knot. Any ideas?
Here's a song with a relevant title to listen to while you ponder: How Soon Is Now? - The Smiths
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHvbbJ0Sspc
Also, this post is the perfect excuse to post a (hilariously relevant) clip from one of my favorite movies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeZ9HhHU86o
Have you ever seen this arcade game? It's called the Cyclone. Tiny lightbulbs illuminating in rapid succession create the illusion of a continually moving stream of light. The object of the game is to press one of the buttons around the perimeter at the exact moment the corresponding lightbulb is illuminated. It sounds easy, but it's actually incredibly hard to do.Now, think about what now is. It's a perpetually moving moment in time that we as human beings try to stop and label. If now never stops, by the time you've identified now, isn't it already then?
I spent a good deal of my day trying to figure this one out, but ended up tying my brain into a pretzel knot. Any ideas?
Here's a song with a relevant title to listen to while you ponder: How Soon Is Now? - The Smiths
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHvbbJ0Sspc
Also, this post is the perfect excuse to post a (hilariously relevant) clip from one of my favorite movies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeZ9HhHU86o
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