Within You Without You

I took my walk alone this morning. I usually walk with my mom, but today I wasn't in the mood for small-talk (rundown of daily errands, PTA gossip, etc). It was nice to be outside, listening to music (carefully selected--nothing too sad or memory evoking)

Most of the disappointments in my life thus far have been of a different nature. Scrapes. They hurt, and they might be annoying for a few days, but for the most part you can get up, brush yourself off, and be okay. Jobs--I never had them, so  technically I didn't lose anything. Grades--once the semester ends they're water under the bridge. 

This is not a scrape. I don't know exactly what this is. A puncture wound, maybe? I can keep telling myself 'it's okay, you're fine, it's done' but I know there is something serious under the surface that can't be left untreated forever.

     _     _     _

Yesterday was really hard in ways I didn't expect. I was okay during the afternoon, but things started to unravel later in the day. I decided to spend the evening in LA with my family while my sisters went to the Flight of the Conchords concert at the Hollywood Bowl. It was either that, or go bowling with my roommate and her fiance.

Getting dressed was frustrating. I was not in the mood to make unimportant decisions (such as what to wear), and while standing in front of my closet realized that I am no longer dressing to look cute for anyone. I chose black.

My sister's apartment in LA was hot. While she finished getting ready, I looked at magazines in her kitchen. I read an article about a guy who moved to New York City. The highlight of the article was the end. It said, "you do not want to be with a girl from New York. She is not sensitive enough to have a relationship with." Good news.

Going to the Hollywood bowl made me strangely emotional. The whole family had to go in because my mom paid for the tickets and needed to be there with a photo ID to claim them at will-call. Couples everywhere. Intertwined hands, loving gazes, kisses. Too much for me.

I left the venue to get some air. I don't like crying, and I especially don't like crying in public. And it was just an odd situation. I girl sitting on a curb outside a Flight of the Conchords concert, crying. Most people probably thought I was some spoiled brat who didn't get the seats she wanted. Sorry to disappoint. 

The rest of the night was a little better, though I threw a bit of a text messaging fit after the Bowl snafu. Sorry A.

     _     _     _

We got home at 1 am (thanks to LA traffic). I wasn't tired, so I did some research on breaking up, grieving, recovering. Of course, most of it was bullshit, but I did find some interesting stuff. Like that these kind of breakups are harder because there is nowhere to channel the anger. It's true. As mad as I am (or frustrated?), I can't be mad at him. [My reasoning: He's sad too. He left first because he graduated first. Next year, when I'm done, I have every intention of getting a job elsewhere too.] 

I also read stuff about cutting off communication and hiding reminders of them. I don't know if that applies here. We talked on the phone yesterday. And I don't know if I could handle going cold turkey right now. I think over time, as we get busier with life, a balance will be found. Plus, he has damn good taste in music. There are too many good songs I'd have to avoid. 

Am I in denial, or is this different than a normal breakup? (ie. do we have a shot at staying friends. I hope so) This isn't one person telling the other that they don't want to be with the other anymore. This is life getting in its own way. It's tripping over your own shoelaces. It's choking on your own spit. 

     _     _     _

I'm going to Hawaii tomorrow morning. Can't believe it. Haven't packed yet. Part of me fears that it's too soon and that I haven't had enough time to grieve, but only time will tell. 

Bittersweet Symphony

Today there are a ton of bricks on my chest.

They're making it hard for me to breathe.

* * *

This morning

the greatest guy in the whole world

got into a car filled with all his belongings

and left.

He's on the road still,

headed for Seattle

then New York--

but not California.

He doesn't live here anymore.

Today is the hardest day

I've known about it for a while

thought about it for a while

tried to mentally prepare myself for a while

But there are some things in life you just can't prepare for ahead of time.

Goodbye punk. I miss you. 

Moving my stuff home

I do not have a problem.


I do not have a problem...


Holy cwap! I do have a problem.

I've always liked clothes, but this is the first time my liking has become an issue. Especially since I've moved to college and had my stuff split between locations. It's harder to keep tabs on how much stuff I've accumulated.

Where on earth am I going to put my shoes? Oy.

While I was hanging it all up, I was listening to my iTunes on shuffle, and the Beatles song "Help" came on. I laughed out loud.

I'm thinking I might purge some of it to Goodwill over the summer.

Summer Revival

So since summer has been pretty eh so far, I figured I needed a place to vent. When life hands you lemons, blog about the lemons. (Note: I suspect that I am the only one who comes to this page, nonetheless, it feels good to write it out) Hopefully, once things improve, this will take on a more positive spin. I'm working on it- really.

The job hunt is starting to feel like labor-force prostitution. First I started with the big firms. No luck. Then some contacts my parents knew. Nope. Then I cold-emailed (similar to the cold call) a bunch of local firms I found on the internet. They don't need help. I'm not great with rejection to begin with, so it's hard. And weird. To WANT a job and not be able to get one. My final hope is an unpaid internship with the county controller's office--unpaid. As much as that pains me, I really do need the experience, and something to do with my time. As much as I fantasize about free time when I am super busy, I don't actually like it that much. I need somethingto do; something to look forward to.

So needless to say, this week has not been the best. No job, and a traumatic weekend coming up :(

I spoke to my sister Elysse on the phone today, and she said "one day you'll look back on this time in your life and laugh." I actually had a similar thought last night as I was gong to sleep, only minus the laughing part. When the present isn't going so well, I tend to shift my thinking toward the long term. I really helps. I don't know if I'll ever look back on this point in my life and laugh, but hopefully one day I'll look back to now as a measure of how far I've come.

Okay, enough of the Debbie Downer. Now for the good, There is something really amazing that happened in the last two days. Yesterday, right when I felt like the week couldn't get ANY worse, I got a facebook message from my friend Nicole saying that she was going to Hawaii for a conference next week, and her supervisor said she could bring a friend. I said yes right away, but was very cautious about not getting my hopes up. As it was, her co-worker was offered the spot and had the first right of refusal.

BUT, I got the thumbs up today, and now it's official:

I'M GOING TO HAWAII FROM JUNE 1-5!!!! Next Tuesday--so soon. Though I had to pay for air faire, my parents consented because, to quote my mother, "otherwise you'd be moping around the house crying all week." The sad part is, that's probably true. It will be so amazing to get away, even for five days. I'm sure I will be very sad, but being in paradise will at least provide some distraction from everything going on. The timing could not be better. It makes me think that there is someone out there looking out for me.

All in all, this week hasn't been the best, but I'm trying my best to keep my spirits up.

Goodnight!