4 am

doing Ken-Kens. Listening to bad music. Hmm

3am

Doing the dishes. Hmm

Reflection

It's my final Wednesday as a working woman. I'm finally getting the hang of invoice processing, figuring out the perfect lunch combo (enough to keep me full, not not so full that I want a nap), and bonding with my coworkers, but now it's time to go back to my other life. As a coworker asked me today "would you really want to be doing this forever?" I happened to be stuffing envelopes when she asked, so no. I wouldn't actually want to be doing this job forever, but very few jobs are forever. Especially first ones. It was good while it lasted.  

On the plus side, I now know that I like working, which is a relief since I'll be doing it for a sizable chunk of my life. I have some friends that prefer school to work and would rather be perpetual students. I might go back and get a masters eventually, but only if somebody else pays. 

It's been weird to spend the workday with my financially independent, mostly-married coworkers, and then go home to live with my parents. It's like wearing shoes that are 3 sizes too small, or being a snake that wants to shed its skin but can't. It's hard to feel independent at home. The only thing I like about it is its proximity to the hills, which are good for long walks. 

From what I've observed, I suspect there is a tradeoff between money earned and happiness at work. To a point, the more you earn, the happier you are, but beyond that point, the stress of the job decreases happiness. I'm a nerd, so a made a graph:

Maybe I'm trying to justify the fact that I might never make it to the top, despite my ambition and drive. But it can be lonely at the top. I think it depends on what you do and where you work. Happiness is a choice. Your job is what you do, not who you are. Just be happy. More like this:

Tomorrow there is going to be a bagel breakfast at work (there are monthly events to celebrate birthdays and new hires). I love me some bagels. 

Back to School Blues

School starts one week from tomorrow. I'm having mixed feelings about starting 16th grade. I bought my school supplies today, for the 16th time, and as I was standing in Target's back-to-school section surrounded by kids 1/3 my age, I thought, 'you're getting too old for this.' I think the transition is especially rough this time because I have have seen the field beyond the trees (i.e. the working world) only to walk back into another forest. 

I'm used to working full time. I like the contrast between week days and weekends. I'm more efficient with my time when I know that I have 45 hours less to waste at my discretion. 

That being said, I am glad that I have a "buffer year" to get my shit together. And to get a real, permanent job (theoretically). As a family friend told me, "you will get a job. It might not be exactly what you plan on, but you will get one. In the mean time, you can't worry about it all the time." (oh yeah? watch me) 

But really, she's right. I refuse to go down without a fight. Someone will hire me. 

In other news, I've been reading a lot lately, and I'd forgotten how enjoyable reading for pleasure can be. Mostly because you get to pick the book yourself, and the stress of being tested isn't a factor. I'm going to miss it. A fast, cheap way to forget about what's going on in my own life. Hopefully my summer reads will stick in my brain long enough to get me through the semester, and then I can recharge during winter break. 

Also, I'm going to try update this more often than I have been (and 1 line "I'm tired" posts don't count). My sanity blog. 

Just finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife. Very good, but horribly sad ending. 

And now I can't sleep because there is a small ocean coming out of my face.

AMY BROWN

this is for you, in case you are reading.

hi.

Sorry

Sorry I haven't been blogging

Last week I was sick

And this week I'm tired