What I Learned From Being Bullied

To those of you that know me on a fairly day-to-day basis, you may have noticed a change in my behavior last semester. I was quiet, often appeared exhausted (when seen at all), and didn't socialize unless people came to my house. The truth is, I was being bullied.

She was 5'4, had brown hair, and wasn't large in stature but intimidating nonetheless. I saw her all too often. Soon, she had me convinced that I was a loser. All failings in my personal and 'professional' life were my own fault. The further I fell, the louder her taunts became. And the worst part was that I couldn't escape the grip of my bully, because the bully was me.

I think my 'tough-love' style roots back to my soccer days. If somebody knocked me down, my priority was to get back up fast above all else. I had a job to do. Even if I was in pain. Staying down meant that I was failing myself and my teammates. It meant I was a loser.

I took those principles and carried them into my non-soccer life. When I fell down, the speed of my recovery was vital. If ever I deemed that I was taking too long to get back up, my bully would speak up. "Get up. Don't be a loser." Of course, 'loser' was a self-assessed title. [I should mention that I am also a perfectionist. Bad combo.]

My experience last semester taught me that sometimes I need stand up to my inner-bully. To tell her to shut the fuck up, and then tell her to apologize for calling me a loser. I would never tolerate these verbal assaults from anyone else, yet I allowed my inner bully to have free-reign with her words. I learned that life is not a soccer game. I need to realize when I'm in pain, and maybe sit out for a while. Not all pain can be "walked off" and ignored. Most of all, when someone is in pain, it's important to be nice to them.

I didn't learn this lesson until I woke up one day and realized that I couldn't live my life this way anymore. I felt disconnected from everyone and everything.

Bullying is a terrible trend that has been increasingly entering the public scope. It is everyone's responsibility to take a stand against this trend. But in your other-advocacy, don't forget to not bully yourself as well.

PS- I am doing much better this semester, for those of you who were concerned. :)